The Email You Don’t Want To Receive

Is vaguely disquieting. You realise that there may be a basis to all those alien abduction stories after all, because this is – disquieting.

So I’ve been having a few – possibly IBS-adjacent/related – tummy issues. For about five years, and for about another five years before that in milder form. On Tuesday I rang the reception desk at this facility and said I’d received my SMS reminder / attendance message and it asked me to read the instructions emailed to me.

I didn’t have an email. I told the person who answered and they said “oh yes Sir you did – it was sent (6%$ date and was an automated email.” which, once I had the date of three weeks earlier, I could immediately see. I said “thank you. I feel a bit silly.” and hung up before they could say “why, yes, you are”

And now the butterflies have started. How would you feel if you read this?

ARM is a minimally invasive procedure which measures muscle function and sensation within the anal canal and rectum, using pressure to assess neuromuscular function.
The procedure is performed in the clinic by our Nurse Practitioner. A small, flexible catheter is inserted into the rectum. Small balloons are inflated with air, and you will be asked to do actions such as cough, push and squeeze. The procedure only takes about 15 minutes and requires no sedation. Discomfort is minimal – you will just feel a sensation of pressure.

PREPARATION:
There is no need to fast or alter your eating habits prior to your procedure.
You should try to empty your bowels before your procedure.
In some circumstances, we may need you to use a mini-enema to evacuate the bowel prior to your procedure.
After your procedure you can do activities as normal. You may experience minor bleeding from the rectum after the procedure. Complications or pain during or after the procedure are rare.

“You may experience minor bleeding from the rectum after the procedure.”
…….”You may experience minor bleeding from the rectum after the procedure.”
…………..”You may experience minor bleeding from the rectum after the procedure.”
…………………”You may experience minor bleeding from the rectum after the procedure.”

You. may. experience. “minor”???? bleeding. from. the. rectum. after. the. procedure!!!!!!!

If anything can be said to sound “disquietingly threatening” I think this must be it.
:- “All care, buddy, no responsibility. It’d be a pity if, y’know, something happened – like maybe a geyser of blood erupting from your butt… You don’t want to be mean to the Nurse Practitioner. If ya get our drift. They have control over the pressure knob. If ya get our drift.“

I choose life! Life damnit! I’ll probably not say much more about this. You’ve been informed, there may be a day or two next week when I may be indisposed and inDepends.

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