How To Eat A Croissant

Every so often I get to have a little giggle. When someone with airs and foibles attempts to out-sneer everyone else. Aw hell – I don’t just have a “little giggle” I have a full-on coffee spit. Like this “Tiktok star” of etiquette with his croissant crappery. A croissant isn’t “made of butter” – it’s the layers that the butter makes in the fine pastry dough. Dough means I can put bloody butter on it as much as I like.

“Please remember when . . . we don’t dunk it in our . . . hot chocolate – even though they may do that in France,”

— it’s in the article, I swear!

So British of him. “We like that food, but the bloody French made it so we need to make our own rules around it, unlike those heathens.” Replace “bloody French” with almost any country in the world, and any food, and you’ll find a Brit who’s taken that food, bastardised it, and stuck it in the British Museum Of Regrettable Food.

I reckon if you gave the guy a damper he’d find a way to sway one should only consume it with gruyere cheese because Aussie swaggies obviously would have done that, being descended from HM’s convicts who are after all more British than Aussies are…

I’d like to shout the prat a ham and cheese croissant flattened in a panini press, and watch his face. Or indeed introduce him to the ones I had that were opened up, sprinkled with caster sugar, and toasted under a grill at some breakfast place I visited once about thirty years ago. It was delicious and complemented the strong black coffee brew perfectly. I do remember that the place was a one-man show owned and operated by a Frenchman, introduced to me by a friend of mine, also French.

If this guy ever lectures anyone about “proper” food, remind him how kedgeree came about, and then butter your croissant any way you like… Hehehehehe…

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